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[Tuesday January 4, 3am] |
lesson of the day. there are people who'd criminalise others and spread stories. and when you decide to play the field on equal grounds with them they shun you. best part. the people they spread stories to, they judge and bitch about you when they aint know no shit. to think you used to call them friends.
i might sound nasty. but here's the lowdown. i'm tired of being on the disadvantaged end of this bullying. it didnt begin like this. but this is going too far. right now im not concerned with anything else but to get the rights i deserve. my only concern is for everyone's fair amount of benefits. im not even going to push you into some abyssal pit of spite and revenge. so stop appearing like some poor little thing and face me like a man. and to the rest. if you dont know the full details, and think you can judge me with whatever info he fed you. whatever. good to know who my real friends are.
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| friend culling |
[Monday December 20, 4pm] |
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that seems to be the theme for the year 2010.
there are 3 significant people that i've lost ties with. all of which i do feel sad for. but not for all do i feel it's my fault.
saying goodbye to person #1 was... heart wrenching. it feels like breaking up with a lover x 10 at least. ben said my mail sounded harsh. shit, didnt mean it to sound that way. but honestly speaking, the last time we patched up, there was only one thing that constantly recurred in my head. "i miss c2 days." it might've died way earlier before this. and this time. i cant bring myself to apologise again. im so ashamed of what i did to utter the word "sorry" one more time. i knew it in me there are just this many sorries you can say for repeating the same thing over and over. you cant expect the person to love you forever. it hurts that i hurt person #1 so much. i used to think that by doing what im doing now is equivalent to giving up/running away. but then again, this might be the right-est thing i would ever do for person #1. i dont know. and it still hurts. and yes of course it should hurt.
i knew person #2 through person #1. and we connect so darn well. but i realise i cant rely on #2 for too many things that matter to me. alas i feel being taken for granted to the extreme. hurting me wasn't the last straw, treating me unfairly and talking to me like i was dirt did the trick. thanks really, that made everything easier.
#3... idk. probably it was due to too many things happening. i've learnt to be alot more practical. in a harsh way, it's called being efficient. i dont feel much pain at all. at least #3 mattered enough to me to be mentioned here for a reason. i just dont know if the reason was ever real anymore. im too tired to even consider the possibility. nonetheless, no matter the past, we live in the present. some things just have to be settled this way.
forte sigh. person #4. i felt a pinch when ben said you were upset i didnt wish you happy birthday. i miss us too. im sorry.
what a year. idk what compelled me to write this. whatever. i need a release. and im just too tired to rant to anyone. neither do i think it's fun to weigh down anyone's mood with such stuff. but im really thankful for someone who stayed with me throughout all these emo drama. i feel truly embarrassed you have to see such a fucked up side of me. tbh, this is one of the reasons why i gave you up. im so fucking exposed it aint fun at all. and yes that rly battered my ego. BUT im still horrendously attracted to you dammit. argh39qum0qu408q. shake it off. i know my limits. im good at distractions.
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[Sunday October 31, 9pm] |
i feel like some typical bastard right now. and i think it's relatively true. the chase is fun but when you've got the prize, what's next? you're only looking for new thrills. now i understand something. you have no right to criticize such a lifestyle. it's just the way it is if you're not looking for the same thing as someone else.
in short i'm not satisfied until i know i've dominated you. i am so fcuked up in the head :/
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| Bleargh |
[Sunday October 3, 7pm] |
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Somehow I can't stay home. I can be anywhere but "home" and it saddens me because I hv no idea why and... That just means it don't feel like a real home right??? Unbelievably I'm still upset abt it. Ok nvm for that I just gotta deal w my self. There's nthg to fix but the way my heart operates lol. And ok new topic. When you lie on my lap and looked at me that way I freaked out alil. I thought we're all just having fun. Now I'm thinking I miiiiiiiiight break your heart.
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orehrepus's journal
